Tag Archives: empowering women

No ~ I Don’t Want THAT!

Occasionally I get hit with something I really don’t want. You know the days–unwanted news, unexpected losses, or really, really inconvenient changes to your life plans.

On those days, don’t you wish you could just rid your life of all the things you don’t like? I mean, really, wouldn’t it be sweet to experience fun and laughter, peace and serenity every day? And aren’t you so much nicer when life is going your way?

The thing I am learning is that everything–yep, everything–can be for my highest good when I am open to it.

It is like life is a great big smorgasbord serving up all sorts of options for me to select.

At a buffet I often try things I’ve never had; and occasionally I have to spit the morsel out into my napkin. Nope not to my taste! I don’t get angry at the chef; nor do I feel cheated in any way. Until I try certain delicacies I actually don’t know I don’t like them. And once I do, I can be really clear not to pick it up again.

However, in life, until recently, I seemed to believe the universe should only offer me that which pleases me and felt upset when things didn’t go as I desired–especially if I felt I had worked hard for a different outcome. Now I am starting to see that life does not care which things I choose from her smorgasbord, she is just offering me options. I am the one who has chosen to pick up this experience for some reason and it is me that needs to put it down if I don’t like it.

When you know what you don’t want, you will know what you do.

The more discerning I become about what I do and don’t want, the better I am getting at creating experiences that match my desires. I realize my discernment has come from experiencing many things I did not enjoy, so I am beginning to see these negative experiences as part of my training to be a 5-star chef of my own life. If I hadn’t experienced both the really great times and the horribly low ones I could only create a mediocre life.

So what about the times you feel like someone else must have put this disgusting tasting thing on your plate because you didn’t order it?

I have had a lot of experiences that did not feel like I ordered them from life–my father dying when I was a teen, a bitter divorce, a wildfire burning my land and business. Because I tend to be the type of person who thinks everything is my fault, I have to be careful with the spiritual teachings that encourage me to take responsibility for my life, no matter what. You know the jargon, “You drew this to you…”

Overtime, I have learned to change my perspective on these and other unwanted things I felt “happened to me.”

From my father’s death I became compassionate to people’s inner sufferings, have helped countless friends through life crises, and became a grief coach helping many people navigate the tender journey of grieving a major loss. Would I choose loosing my father at that young age? No. Did good come from it? Absolutely, yes.
From a divorce that was not wanted and bitter on both sides in it’s early years, I have learned deep forgiveness for myself and another human being–way beyond what I thought possible. I also now recognize how unhappy I was and how he gifted me in leaving, because I never would have left. Maybe I did unconsciously put this morsel on my plate by asking life for a relationship he was unable to provide.
From the fire I found surrender in many things–not everything being under my control, having to work with my ex-husband after our divorce and forge new bonds, learning that starting over is not the end of the world but an opportunity for a fresh beginning. I am someone who perseveres at all costs, perhaps longer than is healthy. The fire and its long-term consequences on my life were the universe’s kick in the a** to move on.

The next time you don’t like what is on your plate of life just say, “No, thank you. I would prefer …..” Then quickly put your attention on what you do want and keep it there.

One of my past spiritual teachers often spoke of the day he learned to ride his motorcycle on mountain roads in Colorado. His friend finally pulled over to a rest stop and told him, “Look where you want to go, not where you don’t want to be, or you will end up off these cliffs!” My daughters’ horseback riding instructors always told them the same thing.

It is a great lesson for motorcycles, horses, and life!

Look where you want to go, or end up where you don’t want to be!

The net of all this is:

Appreciate life’s buffet. She is offering you a cornucopia of options.
Learn from experiences you don’t like so you don’t have to taste them a second time.
Say no quickly and use life’s less than tasty treats to help you know what you do like and create what you love.
Move quickly from focusing on the thing you don’t want that you are experiencing to what you would prefer.

Do You Raise Boys Differently than Girls?

Women become empowered (or disempowered) long before they become women. I was appalled the first time I realized, that even I, an accomplished business women and Harvard MBA, had different “rules” for my son than my daughters.

As a mother, I also learned that being a girl verses being a boy came with more DNA differences than genitals–a fact my beliefs prior to having children did not take into consideration.

So as parents, it is critical we treat each child as an individual not a gender AND that we actually become aware of our own unconscious biases before we instill them in our girls and boys.

In a recent NY Times article, Caroline Paul asks, “Why do we teach our girls it is cute to be scared?” It is a great question and similar to one that every mother, if she is honest, probably asks herself at one time or another.

“Why am I treating my girl different from my boy?”

There are so many unconscious beliefs we have about life, especially in regards to genders. Sometimes it is important to celebrate our differences and at other times it is important to not create differences that are solely the result of biases.

Many of your own biases you may not suspect even exist, until you are faced with a situation that tests them. It is in times like these that we can be humble and realize we may be making a mistake and most importantly be willing to change.

Change only comes when we are aware of what we are doing.

I appreciate articles like Caroline’s that put in my face questions like, “Do I expect my son to conquer is fears while I suggest to my daughter to avoid risk?” Only when we ask ourselves these questions against a backdrop of real life situations of our own lives or like those she describes as a firefighter in San Francisco, can we really become clear about our own biases.

Where else might you be holding your daughter back that you would not do with your son?

Do you accept her telling you she is not good at math or science? One of my daughters told me that for years and I continued to tell her it just wasn’t true. This year she graduates Phi Beta Kappa as a Bio-Chem major and getting A’s at advanced calculus classes.
Do you accept that she is klutzy and get her interested in things that don’t challenge her physically; while you might push your son to push through?
Do you expect (or insist) your son help with construction projects, yard work, or car maintenance while never inviting your daughter to do the same?

These are just a few of the areas we might be holding our girls back; while never intending to. Listen closely to your messages with your children; you might be surprised what you hear.

I love the distinct things my daughters bring to my life that are different from my son, and also the things he brings that are uniquely masculine. I no longer expect them to be the same as I did before having children.

Yet, I also am painfully aware of many biases I inflicted upon their beliefs and inner dialog without intending to do so. And I appreciate friends, family, articles like Caroline’s, and my children themselves for pointing out when I had an unconscious gender bias.

The only way to change something is to become aware there is a need for change!

No. It’s a Complete Sentence!

I learned that “No” is a complete sentence from Ann Moore past CEO and Chairwoman of Time, Inc. It is a brilliant piece of advice that I suggest you use as a mantra.

This is an important lesson, especially for women, as we tend to say yes to everyone and everything–except ourselves or justify and apologize for not doing more. You probably do many things each week that you really don’t want to do, rather than saying no.

A recent article in Fast Company, by Stephanie Vozza, has a few good ideas to help you build your ability to say no when you mean it, rather than say yes because it’s easier. However, many of her suggestions start to justify your no; and in the long run it is more powerful if you can learn to “just say no!”

Why justifying your answer disempowers you.

Years ago in a teenage-parenting class I learned that by giving my teenagers reasons for my decisions–something I thought helped my children learn–I was actually giving my kids something to argue with. Although it seemed counterintuitive to my parenting style, I started to see that the more I justified my decisions the more we argued about them; eventually I stopped giving reasons.

Once you open the door to someone evaluating your choice you have changed the dynamics of the conversation. Every sales rep knows that no does not mean NO–as long as they can learn why. Early in my career I trained new sales reps to patiently wait after someone said no for their reasons. Most people feel bad saying no and will quickly give you their reason why. This always gives a sales rep the ability to “overcome the objection.’ It is the same reason you probably dislike used car sales people–they know this tactic all too well.

Respectfully declining is an art.

One thing I loved about Stephanie’s article was her emphasis on finding ways to demonstrate respect for the person asking, even while declining their request. When people feel dismissed it creates resentment. When they feel their needs are heard they are more likely to respect your “no.” Some easy phrases include:

Thank you for thinking of me, …
I am honored you are including me…
That sounds like an amazing opportunity, but….
I would enjoy that at a different time…
That sounds really important to you but it conflicts with things I already am committed to.

Don’t leave the door open if you really don’t want to be asked again.

You may find it easier to say things like, “Maybe next time,” or “I would really like to but..,” or even “Let me think about it.” These phrases may soften the blow of your ‘no’ today; but overtime they will cause discord between you and the other person if you really have no intention of saying ‘yes’ later. Putting off the inevitable actually leaves the other party hanging and repeated hearing ‘no’ starts to create resentment.

Having four children meant the limits of time alone meant I couldn’t say yes to everything they all asked for–even when the requests were for things I thought were fun or “good”–but I wanted desperately to do as much as I could so I often said maybe. And when the requests were for things my children felt passionate about even if I didn’t like the idea I always attempted to see their point of view, rather than quickly say no. Later in life, one of my children told me it would have been easier on her if I had just said no and stuck with it. My lack of decisiveness actually was harder for her than if she knew she couldn’t get what she wanted.

I think the same is true for adults. People want to know where they stand and saying no when you mean it is actually the kinder thing to do.

Try making, “No is a complete sentence,” your mantra or affirmation for a month.

You will be amazed at how much it simplifies your life and actually allows you to experience more joy when your days and weeks are no longer full of things you really did not want to do!

How Do You Feel About How You Spend Your Time Each Day?

The last few days I have squandered my time answering emails, doing small tasks, and basically avoiding some hard work that I don’t enjoy. How do I feel tonight? Tired, uninspired, and not much further along on those tasks I was avoiding.

Most days when I am working on things I love, my days end with a sense of purpose, accomplishment and enthusiasm.

This difference is important. You probably overlook it as you trudge through your obligations and to-to lists. Yet, what I realized tonight, is that how I feel about how I spend my time matters. Because I didn’t want to do what I was aimed at doing, I made the project take longer, depleted my energy available for other things, and wasted much of my day. Yet, when I am excited about what I am doing I get ten or even a hundred times more done than I did the last few days.

Do you experience this same time warp when you are doing things you love verses doing what you loath?

I think we all do. And if this is universally true, than how we feel about how we spend our days matters more than we realize. Maybe you should be placing a great deal more attention on ensuring you spend your days in ways that energize you. With energy, you can accomplish much and without it you accomplish almost nothing.

Am I saying just don’t do things you don’t like? Well, as appealing as that might be—no that is not what I am saying. What I do suggest is that you start your day in ways that invigorate you and keep the things that pull you down to a minimum or at least scheduled for later in the day. That way you keep your day at high energy and can tackle the thing you don’t like with the vitality you created, rather than letting the action you dislike diminish your energy so you cannot complete most of the simplest tasks you had planned.

How do you feel about how you spend your time most days?

If your answer is not positive, then take time this weekend to create a new plan for how you spend each day this coming week. Add in more of what inspires you. Find creative ways to accomplish the things needed that you don’t enjoy.

Is there someone you know who does enjoy those things you can get to help you?
Maybe you can use the money you currently spend on vanilla lattes to pay someone once a week to do it?
Can you hire a neighbor’s teenager to help?
Maybe you could create a learning experience for a local college intern and get the job done for free?

Think outside the box, rather than stay boxed in a life of drudgery.

Words of Wisdom For Instant Happiness

Today, I received an email from a friend and colleague who I admire, Natalie Ledwell, quoting one of the women I admire most, Marianne Williamson. The quotes are pointers to how I choose to live. I think you will enjoy them so I have reprinted Natalie’s email below.

If you don’t know about Natalie’s work with Mind Movies, you will want to look into them. Mind Movies allow you to program your mind to the things you want, overriding all the programming you take in unintentionally–and you actually get to create your personalized version!

One of the reasons I love Natalie’s work is that she and I both are passionate to help people learn how to succeed, without the struggle and heartache most people stay stuck in. Both Natalie and I have been in the trenches and are teaching what worked for us, not some theory about what we heard works, but real life-tested ideas.

My success in various businesses would be fleeting and meaningless if it were not for teachers along the way that helped me create fulfillment not just bank balances, and purpose not report cards and titles. Marianne Williamson was one of those teachers. I first stumbled on to her work over 20 years ago and have been enjoying her wisdom and turning to her guidance ever since.

In Natalie’s words:

If you haven’t come into contact with this woman’s extraordinary work, you’re really missing out!

I’m talking about Marianne Williamson who, besides being a NY Times best-selling author and lecturer, has been a spiritual friend and counselor to Oprah! YES – Oprah!

If you’d like to be enlightened by her wisdom, read below for seven of her best lessons for instant happiness:

1- Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.

2- Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.

3- We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?

4- Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.

5- The new midlife is where you realize that even your failures make you more beautiful and are turned spiritually into success if you became a better person because of them. You became a more humble person. You became a more merciful and compassionate person.

6- The key to abundance is meeting limited circumstances with unlimited thoughts.

7- Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are.

Enjoy!
Natalie ~ Mind Movies

Taming Your Inner Critic

Have you noticed how often your inner critic sabatoges your relationships, your confidence, and your life?

Becoming aware of the subtle whispers she is putting in your thought process, not to mention the down right abusive yelling, all takes a willingness to listen. All too often you try to ignore and push these voices down in order to overcome them. However, like almost everything in life the more we ignore or deny it, the worse it gets.

Your inner critic causes you to react, rather than respond, to your environment more than you can imagine. She makes you feel small, uncomfortable, and incompetant. She compares you to others, points out your flaws and makes your entry into an important event much more difficult than necessary.

My inner critic not only criticizes me, she also starts to attack someone outside when their look on their face or tone of voice makes her feel criticized. Although the queen of criticizing me, she cannot stand to feel criticized and will put me on the defensive faster than I can blink, unless I am listening for her.

Stop and listen when you notice this inner dialogue, rather than allowing it to egg you into reactions you will later regret the affects of. Just pausing rather than reacting will give you the space you need to make conscious choices of how to handle a situation.

I love the advice of Dorie Clark and Susan Brady around the inner critic. They say to listen with compassion and curiosity because awareness is the first step to changing a behavor. They also state that studies show people who practice self-compassion are happier, more optimistic, less anxious and less depressed.

For those types of gains, I am going to start practicing more self-compassion starting now. How about you?

The first step in self-compassion is listening to your inner critic with curiosity for what she might really be trying to tell you. Learn from it and thank her for trying to help. Like most of us, when she feels heard her need to increase the volume goes down. And a decrease of inner criticism will go a long way to improving how you feel, how you relate to others, and how well you perform at what you do.

Embrace Your Inner Warrior

One of my great joys is to support other women and share with you their successes, passions and work.

Below is an excerpt from an upcoming book by my friend, Mickra Hamilton. I was so moved by her writing that I am sharing it with you here. It may introduce to you a side of yourself you have forgotten.

“The Return Of The Sacred Feminine”

I sit at this moment drowning in emotion. Consumed by a grief that is so deep and ancient I hardly know what to do with it. I feel both sad to the core and sick in the stomach at a realization that is coming to the forefront of my awareness. This realization has been boiling gently under the surface for a very long time. Certainly all of this lifetime and I suspect many of those that I have experienced in alternate strands of time.

I knew from the time I was a young girl that I was a warrior, that I exhibited strength beyond that which was portrayed by the superheroes in the movies. I knew myself to be a powerful and competent creature that was unlimited and unstoppable. Unfortunately while the younger me knew that to be true everyone else had forgotten. The knowledge of the sacred feminine warrior had been lost.

Oppressed, perhaps purposely to keep us from remembering that we are all one.

Somewhere along the timeline of history stories were created to separate women from their strength, to remove the vast power to lead and to heal that was innate to their very existence. Cultural expectations and stereotypes were developed that became so deeply ingrained that they would not likely be overcome for many generations, if that was even possible.

The programs of powerlessness, self-doubt, shame, guilt and fear embedded so deeply in the collective feminine psyche that all but a very few were unable to see through the illusion and rise to reclaim their power. Those who did were branded as heretics, fallen women or just plain crazy. They were judged at every turn as they stood alone but they didn’t care because they had seen through the programs to know the truth.

The truth was that they were strong and incredibly competent, that they were amazing leaders and powerful agents for change.

They remembered that they were the nurturers and the creative beauty in the world. They realized that they possessed a strength that could not be taken away, an internal compass that vectored them on a path that would change and eventually heal the world.

They put their heads into the wind with discipline and a determination that produced oneness of focus; following a single pointed vision. This decision to live their truth and create a shift in the lives of all women in humanity was one that did not come without cost. More often than not they felt alone, abandoned by their family and peers, criticized by even those who appeared to be supporters and yet they never gave up. They worked tirelessly toward the goal of creating long lasting change. The goal of one day living in a world that honored the sacred feminine for the beauty and unconditional love that it brings to humanity.

We honor these powerful women who did not back down, who did not give in and did not give up. We are on the verge of a massive revolution, a shift so great that it will turn the world as we know it, upside down. We are moving into an evolutionary turning point so vast that we are unable to even fully comprehend it in this moment.

We will quickly move into a new era, one that is filled with hope and equality, a time that has often been dreamed of and written about. What approaches swiftly is a beauty so great that it is difficult to look upon, a love so deep that it is endless, a power of such magnitude that it will shatter the programs that run so deeply in the human collective psyche. The war drums have sounded, the sacred feminine warrior has returned to earth and nothing will remain the same.

Mickra Hamilton, AuD. is Director of Wellness at Physiologix Wellness Institute.

Happy Mother’s Day Working Moms!

Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who have birthed, cared for and nurtured our young. It is the one job that cannot be done over or easily be replaced.

If you are a working mom, and worry that choosing your kids over work held you back in your career, you are not alone. So many women think they are unprepared to reenter the business world after staying home with their kids, or scaling back their career for many years.

If that is you, watch this video!

Our future is riding on you, so thanks for contributing so much, and Happy Mother’s Day!

How to Keep Women Engaged in Jobs and Careers

Women are leaving the IT industry in droves, according to a recent article in CIO.

The article goes on to describe six things women want in order to stay engaged in any job. Although the things they cite are important, they are not the full picture.

What are women looking for?

Equal pay
Flexible work schedule and paid leaves
Female role models and mentors
Recognition
Opportunity for advancement
Meaningful work that makes a difference beyond their job.

Although each of these items may be important, the discussion in this article, and in most conversations on this topic, ultimately revolved around women leaving to raise families, not being welcomed back after having children, or marginalized as they juggle both career and families. These are problems.

Yet, this perspective continues to perpetuate a stereotype of women not prioritizing work and career advancement as the cause of lower pay and career opportunities. However, a study at Harvard Business School of alumni showed that high powered and well trained women, with plenty of career drive, still earned less than their male colleagues, did not rise to as high of positions, and were often left out of critical business deals necessary for their success–even though 93% of them never left the workforce to raise children.

As Sheryl Sandberg noted in a recent interview, how many men are asked how they handle work and family? She is asked this all the time.

Women continue to be underrepresented at the top of organizations–large and small. We can continue to “fight” this, and probably should continue to make waves, until true equal rights have been achieved.

But more important than fighting this, we need to change the game. How do we do that?

Actively look for ways to promote and support other women. We represent 51% of the population. If we put our influence in numbers behind each other, we can do more good than demanding changes from the status quo. When Gandhi pushed the British out of India, he created force through numbers–rather than attempting to increase the power and influence of the Indian population within the status quo.

If women move their purchasing power, their investment money, and their own hiring practices to promoting women we could greatly shift the balance of power–within a much shorter time horizon than our current trajectory.

Look for women you can promote, mentor, buy from or invest in. They are all around you.

Your choices can make a difference.

Women in Politics

The 2014 midterm elections marked a series of exciting firsts for women in politics.

Did you know…

the first black Republican woman was elected to Congress.
the first 30-year-old woman was elected in Congress.
Congress amassed 104 female members for the first time ever.

Yet, there is still so much more ground to gain. Why? If we want to be fully represented by our government, we need women to be involved in politics–running for office, helping in campaigns and voting for women.

95 years after we have won the ability to vote, we are still far away from equal representation.

Here are some other interesting statistics from MAKERS:

Today, the Senate includes only 20 women.
Women make up nearly 60 percent of college students, and law schools are half-female–but Congress doesn’t reflect those numbers.
The number of women chairing committees has actually been reduced from 9 to 2, leaving less women in powerful positions.
63 other nations have had past or present female heads of government.
95% of American voters would vote for a well-qualified woman (up 20% from 1978, according to a Gallup poll.)

To feel fully empowered in our society, we will have to be creating the rules that govern us and have our views be part of the very fabric of each important discussion. Look hard each election at how you can help our daughters live in a world where women in leadership is a given, not a goal.

PART OF INFLUENTIAL WOMEN, INC.

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