Women become empowered (or disempowered) long before they become women. I was appalled the first time I realized, that even I, an accomplished business women and Harvard MBA, had different “rules” for my son than my daughters.
As a mother, I also learned that being a girl verses being a boy came with more DNA differences than genitals–a fact my beliefs prior to having children did not take into consideration.
So as parents, it is critical we treat each child as an individual not a gender AND that we actually become aware of our own unconscious biases before we instill them in our girls and boys.
In a recent NY Times article, Caroline Paul asks, “Why do we teach our girls it is cute to be scared?” It is a great question and similar to one that every mother, if she is honest, probably asks herself at one time or another.
“Why am I treating my girl different from my boy?”
There are so many unconscious beliefs we have about life, especially in regards to genders. Sometimes it is important to celebrate our differences and at other times it is important to not create differences that are solely the result of biases.
Many of your own biases you may not suspect even exist, until you are faced with a situation that tests them. It is in times like these that we can be humble and realize we may be making a mistake and most importantly be willing to change.
Change only comes when we are aware of what we are doing.
I appreciate articles like Caroline’s that put in my face questions like, “Do I expect my son to conquer is fears while I suggest to my daughter to avoid risk?” Only when we ask ourselves these questions against a backdrop of real life situations of our own lives or like those she describes as a firefighter in San Francisco, can we really become clear about our own biases.
Where else might you be holding your daughter back that you would not do with your son?
- Do you accept her telling you she is not good at math or science? One of my daughters told me that for years and I continued to tell her it just wasn’t true. This year she graduates Phi Beta Kappa as a Bio-Chem major and getting A’s at advanced calculus classes.
- Do you accept that she is klutzy and get her interested in things that don’t challenge her physically; while you might push your son to push through?
- Do you expect (or insist) your son help with construction projects, yard work, or car maintenance while never inviting your daughter to do the same?
These are just a few of the areas we might be holding our girls back; while never intending to. Listen closely to your messages with your children; you might be surprised what you hear.
I love the distinct things my daughters bring to my life that are different from my son, and also the things he brings that are uniquely masculine. I no longer expect them to be the same as I did before having children.
Yet, I also am painfully aware of many biases I inflicted upon their beliefs and inner dialog without intending to do so. And I appreciate friends, family, articles like Caroline’s, and my children themselves for pointing out when I had an unconscious gender bias.
The only way to change something is to become aware there is a need for change!
