Tag Archives: women empowerment

Do You Raise Boys Differently than Girls?

Women become empowered (or disempowered) long before they become women. I was appalled the first time I realized, that even I, an accomplished business women and Harvard MBA, had different “rules” for my son than my daughters.

As a mother, I also learned that being a girl verses being a boy came with more DNA differences than genitals–a fact my beliefs prior to having children did not take into consideration.

So as parents, it is critical we treat each child as an individual not a gender AND that we actually become aware of our own unconscious biases before we instill them in our girls and boys.

In a recent NY Times article, Caroline Paul asks, “Why do we teach our girls it is cute to be scared?” It is a great question and similar to one that every mother, if she is honest, probably asks herself at one time or another.

“Why am I treating my girl different from my boy?”

There are so many unconscious beliefs we have about life, especially in regards to genders. Sometimes it is important to celebrate our differences and at other times it is important to not create differences that are solely the result of biases.

Many of your own biases you may not suspect even exist, until you are faced with a situation that tests them. It is in times like these that we can be humble and realize we may be making a mistake and most importantly be willing to change.

Change only comes when we are aware of what we are doing.

I appreciate articles like Caroline’s that put in my face questions like, “Do I expect my son to conquer is fears while I suggest to my daughter to avoid risk?” Only when we ask ourselves these questions against a backdrop of real life situations of our own lives or like those she describes as a firefighter in San Francisco, can we really become clear about our own biases.

Where else might you be holding your daughter back that you would not do with your son?

  • Do you accept her telling you she is not good at math or science? One of my daughters told me that for years and I continued to tell her it just wasn’t true. This year she graduates Phi Beta Kappa as a Bio-Chem major and getting A’s at advanced calculus classes.
  • Do you accept that she is klutzy and get her interested in things that don’t challenge her physically; while you might push your son to push through?
  • Do you expect (or insist) your son help with construction projects, yard work, or car maintenance while never inviting your daughter to do the same?

These are just a few of the areas we might be holding our girls back; while never intending to. Listen closely to your messages with your children; you might be surprised what you hear.

I love the distinct things my daughters bring to my life that are different from my son, and also the things he brings that are uniquely masculine. I no longer expect them to be the same as I did before having children.

Yet, I also am painfully aware of many biases I inflicted upon their beliefs and inner dialog without intending to do so. And I appreciate friends, family, articles like Caroline’s, and my children themselves for pointing out when I had an unconscious gender bias.

The only way to change something is to become aware there is a need for change!

 

Taming the Critics

Do you speak in a way that creates less power in your world? Or is the focus on how women speak actually the problem? That is the debate currently circling.

One article I recently read in Business Insider evaluated this critique gave many examples of how focusing on women’s way of speaking is causing women to be overly self-critical (as if we need help) and also continuing to assume the way men speak is the right way.

I agree. Anytime someone or group of people are highly scrutinized, they tend to feel alienated, in the wrong, and defensive. It lowers self-esteem so highly needed to excel. Women are that group too often. “People are busy policing women’s language and nobody is policing older or younger men’s language,” said Penny Eckert, a professor of linguistics at Stanford University and the coauthor “Language and Gender,” in an interview with NPR.

Don’t let yourself be subtly bullied into believing your empathetic way of speaking is somehow wrong. Instead, know that you are bringing something vital to everything you do–including how you present your thoughts. (Then, learn to listen respectfully to other women when they do the same.) How you perceive yourself is more important than whether you speak using the same words and intonations as men to your success at anything.

Do You Resist Change?

I do not easily embrace change.  Do you?

I clung to my marraige long past its healthy life.  I have remained in my family home–with all its memories of another time–probably longer than was good for me starting a new life. I love creating warm, cuddly environments and then I rarely want to move from them. I am very flexible and “go with the flow” in most situations; so I deceive myself about how hard it is for me to really move willingly into big changes.

Some people are definitely more inclined to jump with both feet into change whenever the opportunity arises, and others, like me, are slow to put our toes in the water. What is your nature?

It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.

– Charles Darwin – 1809-1882, Naturalist and Geologist

Ironically, in business I understand completely that the companies who are able to change and adjust to their environment are the ones that succeed.  I actually am good at it in a business arena, just not my personal life.  So it is time to bring my innate knowledge of adaptability in business to my own personal life.

I will be making many changes in the coming months.  It is both exciting and terrifying!  I will keep you posted on my progress at jumping in the water.

To Achieve True Empowerment, Women Must Enlist Men On Their Mission

Below is one of the best and comprehensive discussions of why empowering women makes sense for everyone, not just women.

Read here: 3 L’s of Women’s Empowerment by Christine Lagarde

When talking about educating women, especially in third world countries where girls typically leave school around adolescence, Christine quotes an African adage, “If you educate a boy, you train a man. If you educate a girl, you train a village.”   But Christine does not leave us just creating schools in Africa, she addresses the gender wage gap and it’s affects on our global economies.  She then finishes with potent statistics about how women in leadership positions statistically improve the results of their organization.

It is not about us verses them, male verses female.  This is about us, we, all of us.  Gender diversity, not gender dominance.  When we honor both men and women and the unique strengths we each bring to our world, we will all win.

Read her article Christine’s article here.  It will help you see the bigger picture of what we are aiming for together.

Femininity in Action

Did you know that when geese fly south for the winter they fly in that classic formation so those at the back can work less—literally gliding on the efforts of those before them?  And when the goose at the lead becomes tired she moves to the back and another seamlessly moves into her place.  These countless graceful exchanges of who is leading and making the largest effort help them travel thousands of miles.  This is the feminine in action.

Structure and form are important, yet fluid.  And for the feminine they take a back seat to creativity and collaboration.

This is one of the countless ways we as western women can “save the world” as the Dali Lama has been quoted so many times as saying—by demonstrating new forms of wealth, government, and living through creativity and collaboration, not competition.  

Another interesting thing about geese is if one of them gets sick, or for some reason drops out of formation and cannot continue at least two others descend with that goose.  That way, when the time is right, they begin their journey once again with the ability to lead and to follow—for each to work and for each to gain momentum from the draft created by another.

Let’s use the examples of the simple annual journey of geese to inspire our creation of new forms of living rather than fighting to change what is.

After graduation what will she find?

If you have been following me for long you know I am passionate about empowering women around the world.  Empowering myself.  Empowering you.  Empowering your friends.

Yet, I believe the biggest change we can make will come through empowering our daughters, the next generation of women.  I have three daughters and I feel incredibly passionate about their experience being more authentic, strong, and celebratory of their feminine nature than mine.

I spent my adolescent, teen and early adult years trying to avoid the unwanted attention of male teachers, male friends of my parents and early bosses.  This made me feel ever so self conscious of my sexuality, any sensuality, and my affect on others.  The message was do not let your energy shine because it draws creepy and sometimes flat out assaulting behavior in people you are suppose to trust!  Unfortunately more women than not have similar stories of their youth.

As a young woman I also saw that power was solely in positions that men held– leading me  to develop my masculine side through becoming assertive, honing my decision making skills, and becoming highly competitive. As far as I was concerned, why would anyone want to live in a disempowered place–and this was what it took to not be powerless.  Many of you have had similar experiences in order to attain power and influence in the world.  I just did it to extreme–like most things I pursued in those years I was using my successes to validate my worth.

I suppressed anything that hinted I was feminine in my work life.  Upset and feel overwhelmed?  Whatever you do DON’T CRY.  Feel lonely and isolated?  Work harder to get ahead, getting attached to co-workers makes it harder to become their boss anyway.  Have a strong intuition that something is not right, stifle it because no one will take you seriously if you told them and worse they will stop listening to you in general.  Feel enthusiastic and have a spontaneous idea, find some market research or statistic to support your idea or keep your enthusiasm to yourself.

By the time I had my first child I had lost touch with so many parts of me that my new role as mother was like landing in alien territory.  Being spontaneous, unplanned, full of emotions, fully bonded with another human being was not natural to my ego and the role I had learned to play.  During the next chapter of my life I began to unravel this masculine mask and re-engage my feminine self.

What I realized was I had become a good man.  I never had role models of what it looked like to be a woman AND be powerful so I had traded my femininity for power.  And I am not alone.  Maybe you too gave up a piece of yourself to pursue something important.  I have been hearing from women every day, from all different walks of life that this same pattern has been played out in many ways.

The real terror of this situation is by working so hard to prove ourselves capable of the same things men can do we have been teaching our daughters the same thing we were so appalled by– that being feminine is not a position of strength.  You can be a woman these days, but certainly not a juicy, emotional, intuitive, creative, life giving female!

My new vision is to support young women becoming adults who believe in themselves–not just as a person, because that still denies their being feminine–but as the female person they are.  Let’s help them not only endure their volatility and sensitivity but relish their femininity.  Feminine strengths are missing in all aspects of our culture– education, health care, business, law and government.  If our young girls enter these areas with their femininity in tact maybe each of these areas could find new solutions to our current problems.  What are these feminine traits?  Intuitiveness.  Sensuality.  Multi-tasking. Tribe building.  Creativity.  Relationships.  Communications.  Power sharing.  Consensus building and many more!

I will explore ideas about how we can create an environment that helps our girls become women who celebrate their femininity, demonstrate their strength in our culture, contribute in big ways to our world and have a better chance at healthy relationships because they start with a heaping dose of loving themselves–just as they are!