Tag Archives: network

Why do women have great friends and horrible networks?

I have been coaching women entrepreneurs for awhile and am dismayed by our gender’s general lack of networking when we are so good at creating social circles and deep friendships. Too many business women work hard to get ahead and fail to create the professional networking so vital to advancement.

Women are known as the sex that is better at relationships, communicate more and more effectively, and have stronger compassion genes. Yet, study after study show that women regularly fail at networking when it comes to their careers.

A recent article by one of my favorite Forbes contributors, Geri Stengel points to many of the pitfalls my clients have fallen into when they come see me about jumpstarting their stalled career or helping their start-up take flight.  Geri offers 6 tips for improving networking skills including “get over your inhibitions.”

However, I find most women are not shy, so this does not necessarily point to the real issue but is more of a symptom.  What I have learned coaching women is they are hard wired to supporting other people’s requests (their boss, co-worker, or family) but find it extremely difficult to ask others to help them, to ask for what they need. Period.  No amount of “getting over your inhibitions,” cracking the confidence code, or leaning in will unwire this because it is not about assertiveness.  Women can be plenty assertive at pitching their deal, rally for a cause, or going to bat for an employee.  Where they fail to speak up is asking for themselves.

To ask for something for yourself requires a few key things.  It is about knowing what you want, seeing how others could help you, and reversing genetic conditioning that stops you from recruiting others’ help. Let’s look at the first one, knowing what you want– since without that step the others are meaningless.

Many years ago I had a counselor send me home with the assignment of writing down everything I would ask for if I had the guts, and not ask.  She just wanted me to start to know what it was I would ask for if I felt I could.  Whoa!  Once I got going I realized there were a lot of things I was not asking for.  It was a great exercise and because she did not send me off to start asking for what I wanted, I was able to see more clearly all the areas that I was holding back.  If she had recommended I go start asking for what I want, I am sure I would not have been able to think of anything to ask for.

You, too can start this with just a pad a paper.  You don’t have to ask your boss for a raise or an investor for money.  At least not yet.  Start with a clean sheet and just think. If I could not loose–what is it I would ask for.  Start to really make long lists. List all the people you would ask.  It will help grow your muscle of seeing yourself as capable of asking.  You might surprise yourself and start asking sooner than you think.

Creating our own “Good ol’ Boys Club”

Do you work hard and have great ideas but just somehow feel like you are swimming upstream or just don’t quite get where you thought you would? Do you question your abilities, your credentials, and maybe wonder if you really have what it takes? At a Harvard conference last year I learned some things about women and success that just might change your trajectory!

I spent two days at Harvard Business School reconnecting with classmates and getting to know others as 800 women (and a few brave men) gathered to celebrate 50 years since women were first admitted to HBS!

It was a powerful group of women — full of life, wisdom, and ability to make things happen. We laughed at stories from the early days, were inspired by women who have shaped our world, and were informed by new research about the state of women’s lives and careers.

What struck all of us was how far we had come and yet how much had not really changed in many areas. Robin Ely, HBS Professor and Senior Associate Dean, showed research about where Harvard women are today. I was overwhelmed at some of the statistics about the world my daughters face. Somehow being highly educated, having a successful career, and tucking my head in my own family and business life has left me with the illusion that women are getting close to parity with men in areas of influence.

I learned this is not true. We only hold few spots at the top of corporations — a percentage that has remained flat for the past 10 years, few are heads of state in world governments, and a mere 4-7% of venture capital funds go to women entrepreneurs, despite the large influx of deals presented by women. Why fifty years after entering the Harvard business school do we still hold so few positions of influence?

If you speculate, like I did, that many women leave the workforce to pursue family – the research says 90% of women surveyed were still in careers. We cannot point there.  We can also no longer point to less opportunity in education. In fact, more women graduate with high-level degrees than men today. So what happens?

Two critical things that you and I can influence are paramount to what we found.

First, men have years and generations ahead of them willing to mentor and help them move ahead, get a deal, and fund their ideas.

Women, ironically, do not use their gift of connecting when it comes to business and government. We choose to “earn” our way, prove our worth and ensure we are confident before we proceed – rather than ask for a favor.

In fact, Sheryl Sandberg’s talk pointed to the idea that women will go for a promotion only when they meet all the criteria (maybe even a few extra) whereas men will go for it when they meet 20% of the job requirements assured they will learn the rest! Men will use their contacts, after hour gatherings, and other venues to get promotions, funding, and basically advance their career.

Men are also more willing to bet on each other with their checkbooks. And they fund people they are more like – white males.

So our task – yes you and me, is two-fold:

Join groups, make contacts, and find other women to become your “good-old-girl” network. Start to look at other women as your source of power. And for the love of God, start asking for what you need. Call on other women (or men), ask someone to mentor you, write that letter or make that phone call asking someone to give you money for your idea or to help promote it. Stop waiting until you’re sure you or your project is a completed masterpiece.

Second, start to look for ways to empower other women and younger women.

What do you know, what can you share, who can you mentor? Rather than continue to push in on the existing power structure, we women need to change the game. All new innovation from the Declaration of Independence or Facebook changed the game – they did not just incrementally make email better, or improve the monarchy!

Join with me. Join with other women. Ask for help. Give help in money and time to other women.

Let’s change the game!