This week, I sent my youngest child off to school — as an adult! My happy 18 year old girl drove herself off to high school, and I felt great joy both in seeing her satisfaction and just knowing the person she is.
As part of my morning routine, I made myself a cup of tea to read and meditate. When I sat down to meditate, I was flooded with unexpected emotions…
… Anger at her dad for not being part of her life these past 7 years and the trauma of our divorce
… Anger at myself for not doing something different that would have helped their relationship be more sound
… Sadness for somehow missing the mark of what I had hoped my life and hers would be like when she was born
… Frustration for all the moments lost that I allowed my attention to be consumed with arguing with my ex-husband (in real life and all those arguments in my head), instead of enjoying her and all my children –especially the arguments they had to endure hearing.
… Fear and despair that I might never again have a worthy life purpose like I did as a mother
…. Depression that everything else I do feels like busy-ness to fill the void
… Worry I might be alone the rest of my life
… Repulsion I might end up like my mom with lots of acquaintances but no one really in my life (sure sign of craziness because I already have deep and close friends …but hey this was purging not reality)
… Anxiety about leaving my family home–Will they come to visit me wherever I live, or do I need this place they grew up to anchor our clan?
Feeling the spiral of despair, I decided to go outside. I walked the half mile to feed the horses just to move my body–still crying and releasing.
When I returned home, I began writing everything about this state of looking forward–into my post kid era– that I don’t like–triggered by my girl’s glorious day! I really let it flow. (I had so much work staring at me, but I needed to feel this and not tuck it away. Thank God I had no meetings this morning!)
Once the steam was out of my rant about all that seemed “wrong” about this upcoming chapter of my life, I decided to create a picture of the exact opposite to these things that were haunting me. I picked up my journal and wrote the polar opposite of each item. (It is an idea I heard from Bob Proctor.) I wrote and wrote about how I want my life to be going forward. It was great! It’s actually the best description I’ve done yet because it had so much specificity reversing exactly my deepest fears about my future. No Pollyanna affirmations.
When I had completed writing about all the things I would want to happen that were opposite of my fears, I could feel the power in me. I put my journal down with a “Hell yeah!” Then, I went outside and burned the original sheets of what I do not want. That was pure fun!
This exercise of asking what is the exact opposite of this feeling was extremely useful because it got me writing about a future that would really excite me. I was addressing specifically my deepest concerns rather than putting my best foot forward while harboring these negative feelings internally, and most likely unconsciously!
The things I wrote about had so much more depth, color, detail and life to them than when I normally write out my goals. I plan to read what I wrote every day for the next 30 days. And if I am inclined, I am going to keep adding to the detail of what I wrote until the picture is vivid in my mind, even when I am not reading.
I will let you know how it goes. And I suggest you try it the next time your emotions have you down. Get real specific about what it is you are feeling. And then do a 180 degree turn and write exactly the opposite situation. It is like turning the whole thing on its head. Or maybe its like being turned on your head by your emotions, and then setting yourself upright again!
